Monthly Archives: September 2010

I’M NOT ONE FOR POETRY, BUT I AM ONE FOR NERDS

Years ago when I lived in Austin, I was lucky enough to discover a slam poet that went by the name Ernie Cline. He performed really great stuff around town and I even got to see him IRL once or twice. I was thinking about him yesterday when AIRWOLF was all the rage.

That slam poet also happened to be a very cool screenwriter who has since been able to put a script written in 1998 called “Fanboys” out in theaters in 2009. If you know me, you know it’s one of my absolute favorite movies. My support for this movie and this man was all due to one poem, my favorite poem of all time, written/spoken by Ernie Cline. Here’s the text to it and I dedicate it to all my nerds who have supported all of my own endeavors and particularly Nerd Nite. Be sure to click the title and it will take you to his site where you can hear him perform it. STELLAR. (Click around his site, too. It’s cool.)

Cheers, nerds,

Champ

____________________________________________________________________

Nerd Porn Auteur
by Ernest Cline

I’ve noticed that there don’t seem to be any porno movies 
that are made for guys like me.

All the porn I’ve come across
was targeted at beer-swilling sports bar dwelling alpha-males
Men who like their women stupid and submissive
Men who can only get it up for monosyllabic cock-hungry nymphos
with gargantuan breasts and a three-word vocabulary

Adult films are populated with these collagen-injected
liposuctioned women
Many of whom have resorted to surgery and self-mutilation
in an attempt to look the way they have been told to look.

These aren’t real women. They’re objects.
And these movies aren’t erotic. They’re pathetic.
These vacuum-headed fuck bunnies don’t turn me on.
They disgust me.
And it’s not that I’m against pornography.
I mean, I’m a guy. And guys need porn.
Fact.
“Like a preacher needs pain, like a needle needs a vein,”
Guys need porn.

But I don’t wanna watch this misogynist he-man woman-hater porn.
I want porno movies that are made with guys like me in mind:
Guys who know that the sexiest thing in the world
is a woman who is smarter than you are.

You can have the whole cheerleading squad,
I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses:
Betty Finnebowski, the valedictorian.
Oh yes.
First I want to copy her Trig homework,
and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her
for hours and hours
until she reluctantly asks if we can stop
because she doesn’t want to miss Battlestar Galactica.
Summa cum laude, baby! 
That is what I call erotic.

But do you ever see that kind of a woman in a contemporary adult film?
No.
Which is why I’m going to start writing and directing Geek Porno.
I shall be the quintessential Nerd Porn Auteur.
And the women in my porno movies will be the kind
that drive nerds like me mad with desire.

I’m talking about the girls that used to fuck up the grading curve.
The girls in the Latin Club and the National Honor Society.
Chicks with weird clothes, braces, four eyes, and 4.0 GPAs.
Brainy articulate bookworms, with MENSA cards in their purses
and chips on their shoulders.

My porn starlets will come in all shapes and sizes.
My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhD to go to the gym.

In my kind of porno movies the girls wouldn’t even have to get naked.
They’d just take the guys down to the rec room and 
beat them repeatedly at chess
and then talk to them for hours about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle
or the underlying social metaphors in the Aliens movies.

Buy stock in some hand cream companies
because there is about to be a major shortage.

And I’m not just talking about straight porn. Oh no.
There should be fuck films for my nerd brethren
of all sexual orientations.
Gay nerd porn flicks with titles like “Dungeons and Drag-queens.”

This idea is a fucking gold mine.
I am gonna make millions, 
because this country is full of database programmers
and electronics engineers
and they aren’t getting the loving they so desperately need.
And you can help . . .

If you’re an intelligent woman is interested in breaking into the adult film industry,
and if you can tell me the name of Luke Skywalker’s home planet,
then you are hired.

It doesn’t matter if you think you’re overweight or unattractive.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t think you’re beautiful.
You are beautiful. . .
And I will make you a star.

 

 

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#LOCALSOCIAL

Hello, you beautiful social media baby. 

 

I have been working with my friend Rob Anderson of Keating Magee on putting together a panel discussion on how local media personalities are using social media with REAL LIVE LOCAL MEDIA PERSONALITIES! I must admit, this is a pretty stellar panel. So join us!

 

Cheers,

 

Champ

 

 

 

#LocalSocial: A Panel Discussion of Local Media Use of Social Media Outlets

Featuring

·        Terri Troncale, Editorial Page Editor, Times-Picayune

·        Kevin Allman, Editor, Gambit Weekly

·        “Wild” Wayne Benjamin, Radio Host/Personality, Q93.3 FM

·        Scott Satchfield, Reporter, WWL TV

·        Travers Mackel, Reporter, WDSU TV

Come learn from some of New Orleans most well-known and highly regarded media leaders! Find out how local media outlets are using social media platforms to communicate with viewers, readers & listeners! Do they get story ideas or tips via Twitter? Do they blog or read other blogs? What role will social media play in the future of local media? Bring your questions & join us for lunch and a lively discussion!

When: Thursday, October 7

11:30 a.m. – Networking

Noon – Lunch & Panel Discussion/Q&A

Where: Ralph’s on the Park
900 City Park Avenue, New Orleans

$25 for members & students/$35 for non-members

Please RSVP TODAY to randerson@keatingmagee.com so we can be sure to have enough food for everyone! 

 

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PAUL F. TOMPKINS

Paul_f_tompkins

Hello, friendlies.

Look, I’m just gonna say this once. Hear me now, believe me later:

PAUL F. TOMPKINS IS THE SHIT

Now, the last time I was with a group of people who had no idea who he was, the evening ended in drunken shouting where my final word to them was “PHILISTINES!” Because they were. You don’t want that, now, do you? No, nobody does. I’m still friends with those people, except now…I truly look down upon them and their sad, vapid lives. 

Paul F. Tompkins is a terrific actor and a hilarious standup comic. Did you ever see the brilliant Mr. Show with David Cross and Bob Odenkirk? No, probably not because you’re a philistine. But, he was on that. He was in There Will Be Blood, Anchorman, Weeds, Best Week Ever…look his resume is impressive. But, what do you know? PHILISTINE.

So I IMPLORE you (with threat of violence), citizens of New Orleans, to run right out and buy your tickets for his show at The Republic for October 2 or else it’s quite possible he might think the same thing and just not show up at all. There have been threats. There could be riots. Led by me.  

Check out his site: www.paulftompkins.com

Mercifully,

Champ

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A TRIBUTE TO GREATNESS: THE BRIAN P. MOORE STORY

Brian P. Moore was born 198 years ago against most odds. Unless you use his methods of calculation, by which, after many sleepless, thoughtful nights at the blackboard, the eventual answer is “He had to exist; the universe needed him.”

He was birthed in the house he helped his father build on a planet not too different from our own. His father could best be described in Earthly terms as half-bear, half-unicorn and half-human. His mother was, quite obviously, a saint.  She drank a growler of rare red wine every day during Moore’s 2 1/2 year incubation period. Her womb was lined with zebra skins and her amniotic fluid was a 4:1 mix of bourbon and coffee. She listened to nothing but baroque classical imported from Earth.

He was born wearing a three-piece suit, with a Parliament light in his mouth that he’d ordered from the future (using future eBay) and a rucksack full of feral cats. The cigarette he stubbed out on the metal floor and the cats he threw out into space. His first words, after checking himself in the mirror, recorded exactly 4 minutes after his birth, were “Where can I get a straight razor shave and a haircut?” His second words were to the barber, when he tipped him in Brian P. Moore stock options. He said, “Now, where can a baby get a decent drink around here?”

His childhood was normal, save for creating the 42 hour day and something known as “protective goating”. The science is too difficult to explain on Earth. At age 190, he had done all he could with his planet (Planet Mooronia, by then) and decided to explore the rest of the universe in a converted 1978 Gremlin.  The nuclear reactor on the vehicle was unnecessary, but he built and installed it anyway. It crash landed into the Mariana Trench in 2002 and Brian used his webbed feet and the tiny gills located under his arms to make the grueling swim to the shores of California. He began to assimilate. Or, so it appeared.

He found himself in L.A. where, unimpressed by the locals, he decided after reading Tolstoy (“overrated hack”, Moore once proclaimed) to put forth his own vision of the world by taking up writing. His first typewriter had keys made from the teeth of dead serial killers and ink made from the ground up fossils of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. He was soon impressing editors the world over and becoming a celebrated artist. And still, he was not impressed by them. This led to him rounding them up and feeding them to a pack of hungry coelecanths he had befriended in the Trench.

He made his escape soon after and landed in an area outside of New Orleans. Currently, the Northshore can barely contain him, so several days a week he makes the trek into the city where he raises the dead and sleeps, standing up with his eyes open, only minutes at a time. He drives a car across the Pontchartrain, knowing full well he could swim it in nanoseconds. When he crosses the Causeway, he smirks. It is these times the sky darkens and our streets crack and spall.

Moore sightings are rare, but he has been known to haunt the Uptown area. If you see him, stay out of his way. Let him approach you. If he does approach you, offer him beverages with an alcohol proof of no less than 80. Do not stare directly into his eyes, for he is known for his aggressive mesmerization and his literally angry, biting wit. On Mooronia, a wit is a utensil that looks similar to a pen, but lined with shark-like teeth. It is a tool Moore invented.

Moore has made plans to take control of Louisiana, then the country, and eventually the world when the time is right. It is with these intentions that he single-handedly trained the Saints to become Superbowl champions, turning them into America’s team.  He is well on his way to world domination. He has already created a stealthy cabinet that includes: a mindreading ex-KBG agent, a mystical Native American, and a rock band he built using only parts from dead members of the Ramones and an Apple iTunes script he wrote in the dreams of his microsleep. He plans to bring his mother to Earth after he takes control. Get in his good graces.

He is assimilating us.

When asked for a comment on this short overview of his life, he only responded, “The cats are forming a space cabal.”

Good to know there were no animals harmed in the making of your story, Mr. Moore. Please enjoy your stay.

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TABLES: TURNED

My ex-boyfriend Mike replies to a spammer and also shows why we are still best friends to this day. All of you running around looking for soulmates under every rock and in every dark corner, be jealous: I have mine.

THE SPAM            

From: Debra Teague 
To: Debra Teague 
Sent: Wed, September 15, 2010 12:56:32 PM
Subject: Debra Teague

How are you doing?
Sorry i didn’t inform you about my traveling, i am presently in London stranded. I need a favor from you because i was robbed by a taxi driver who drove off with my bag where my money,and other valuable things were kept. I hate to bother you, but i will like you to assist me with a loan urgently of about 1,600 GBP,this is about 2,500 USD to sort-out myself back home.I will appreciate whatever you can afford and i’ll pay you back as soon as i return, Here are my information you can use and send the money to me via western union money transfer or moneygram money transfer below,

 Receivers Name: Debra Teague
Address: 8D Station Rise Tulse- Hill London – SE27 9BW
Country:United Kingdom

 As soon as you sent the money please email me the transfer details:I promise to pay back as soon as i get back.

 Thanks 

Debbie

 
“Let them call me a rebel and I welcome it; I feel no concern from it; but I should suffer the misery of demons should I make a whore of my soul.” – Thomas Paine

 


THE RESPONSE   



Debra,

 

So good to hear from you and sorry to hear about your being robbed.  I should have warned you never trust a taxi driver.  I have been meaning to write and see if you could help me.  Although we know each other so well (so well in fact, that I am surprised you have this address or really any address of mine) one thing that I have never mentioned in all our lengthy discourse is that I am the deposed king of Zembla.  That’s right, the small island nation beset upon by a vicious coupe and currently run by a dictatorial madman (a former taxi driver in fact). I am the rightful king and leader of Zembla.  If I could access my fortune which is currently held in a Kenyan bank account I could lead the people, my people, and overthrow the regime and take my rightful place as a benign and enlightened monarch.  However, the bank needs, funnily enough, $2500 in escrow before I am allowed to access the account.  That’s where you come in.  Instead of me loaning YOU money.  You could loan ME money.  Not just me, but the people of Zembla.  You would be investing in freedom, democracy, and the future of my island kingdom.  They need you Debra Teague.  So what do ya say?  Cash, wire transfer, hell copies of WIRE cds, doesn’t matter to me.  See I trust you.  Really I do.

 

Thanks,

 

His Royal Highness Coyoteboy12

Zembla

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FROZEN WINE

Frozen_rose

I do a lot of weird things for the sake of showing you guys. This one is easily my biggest sacrifice. Seems as though the Grape Ranch (from my birthplace of Okemah, OK) has taken two of my favorite things and made them into something quite undrinkable.

I love wine. You all know this. I also love frozen bevs. Coffee, daiquiris, snoballs, etc. So, it should come as no surprise that when my sister Pachomp asked if I wanted to try FROZEN WINE that I squealed out a resounding EEEEEEEEE! and off we skipped to enjoy a magical, mystical frozen rose.

It actually looked pretty delicious as I poured it out into the large red wine glass. It was frozen and made the glass frosty. Yummmm. My mouth watered. First sip, I chomped down on something crunchy. That didn’t seem right. I swirled it around and noticed some settling at the bottom of my glass. It looked like sugar. I guess the wine had been frozen long enough to crystallize the tartaric acid from the grape. It ruined the experience for me. It doesn’t appear to have bothered the taste of the wine, but who wants unnecessarily crunchy wine? I mean, outside of the frozen part… um.  Anyway, my sister is still drinking hers and insists 1. that the crystals do not bother her and 2. the other bags of frozen rose she’s had (again: THE OTHER BAGS OF FROZEN ROSE SHE HAS HAD) have been delicious. I could be convinced to try again. Most likely if I’m already drunk off something else and there is literally nothing else to drink. On the planet.

Anyway, my melting glass of frozen rose sits to my left, basically untouched. I won’t count this as a strike against Grape Ranch. In fact, Pachomp and I are about to tear into a bottle of their Country Red.

Wish us smooth sailing. 

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These are the demands and sayings of Lee

REPOSTED FROM SAVETHEPLANETPROTEST.COM:

 

My Demands

The Discovery Channel MUST broadcast to the world their commitment to save the planet and to do the following IMMEDIATELY

1. The Discovery Channel and it’s affiliate channels MUST have daily television programs at prime time slots based on Daniel Quinn’s “My Ishmael” pages 207-212 where solutions to save the planet would be done in the same way as the Industrial Revolution was done, by people building on each other’s inventive ideas. Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution. A game show format contest would be in order. Perhaps also forums of leading scientists who understand and agree with the Malthus-Darwin science and the problem of human overpopulation. Do both. Do all until something WORKS and the natural world starts improving and human civilization building STOPS and is reversed! MAKE IT INTERESTING SO PEOPLE WATCH AND APPLY SOLUTIONS!!!

2. All programs on Discovery Health-TLC must stop encouraging the birth of any more parasitic human infants and the false heroics behind those actions. In those programs’ places, programs encouraging human sterilization and infertility must be pushed. All former pro-birth programs must now push in the direction of stopping human birth, not encouraging it

3. All programs promoting War and the technology behind those must cease. There is no sense in advertising weapons of mass destruction anymore. Instead, talk about ways to disassemble civilization and concentrate the message in finding SOLUTIONS to solving global military mechanized conflict. Again, solutions solutions instead of just repeating the same old wars with newer weapons. Also keep out the fraudulent peace movements. They are liars and fakes and had no real intention of ending the wars. ALL OF THEM ARE FAKE! On one hand, they claim they want the wars to end, on the other, they are demanding the human population increase. World War II had 2 Billion humans and after that war, the people decided that tripling the population would assure peace. WTF??? STUPIDITY! MORE HUMANS EQUALS MORE WAR

4. Civilization must be exposed for the filth it is. That, and all its disgusting religious-cultural roots and greed. Broadcast this message until the pollution in the planet is reversed and the human population goes down! This is your obligation. If you think it isn’t, then get hell off the planet! Breathe Oil! It is the moral obligation of everyone living otherwise what good are they??

5. Immigration: Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby ffollows that. Find solutions to stopping it. Call for people in the world to develop solutions to stop it completely and permanently. Find solutions FOR these countries so they stop sending their breeding populations to the US and the world to seek jobs and therefore breed more unwanted pollution babies. FIND SOLUTIONS FOR THEM TO STOP THEIR HUMAN GROWTH AND THE EXPORTATION OF THAT DISGUSTING FILTH! (The first world is feeding the population growth of the Third World and those human families are going to where the food is! They must stop procreating new humans looking for nonexistant jobs!

6. Find solutions for Global Warming, Automotive pollution, International Trade, factory pollution, and the whole blasted human economy. Find ways so that people don’t build more housing pollution which destroys the environment to make way for more human filth! Find solutions so that people stop breeding as well as stopping using Oil in order to REVERSE Global warming and the destruction of the planet

7. Develop shows that mention the Malthusian sciences about how food production leads to the overpopulation of the Human race. Talk about Evolution. Talk about Malthus and Darwin until it sinks into the stupid people’s brains until they get it!

8. Saving the Planet means saving what’s left of the non-human Wildlife by decreasing the Human population. That means stopping the human race from breeding any more disgusting human babies! You’re the media, you can reach enough people. It’s your resposibility because you reach so many minds!!

9. Develop shows that will correct and dismantle the dangerous US world economy. Find solutions for their disasterous Ponzi-Casino economy before they take the world to another nuclear war

10. Stop all shows glorifying human birthing on all your channels and on TLC. Stop Future Weapons shows or replace the dialogue condemning the people behind these developments so that the shows become exposes rather than advertisements of Arms sales and development

11. You’re also going to find solutions for unemployment and housing. All these unemployed people makes me think the US is headed toward more war

Humans are the most destructive, filthy, pollutive creatures around and are wrecking what’s left of the planet with their false morals and breeding culture.

For every human born, ACRES of wildlife forests must be turned into farmland in order to feed that new addition over the course of 60 to 100 YEARS of that new human’s lifespan! THIS IS AT THE EXPENSE OF THE FOREST CREATURES!!!! All human procreation and farming must cease!

It is the responsiblity of everyone to preserve the planet they live on by not breeding any more children who will continue their filthy practices. Children represent FUTURE catastrophic pollution whereas their parents are current pollution. NO MORE BABIES! Population growth is a real crisis. Even one child born in the US will use 30 to a thousand times more resources than a Third World child. It’s like a couple are having 30 babies even though it’s just one! If the US goes in this direction maybe other countries will too!

Also, war must be halted. Not because it’s morally wrong, but because of the catastrophic environmental damage modern weapons cause to other creatures. FIND SOLUTIONS JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAYS! Humans are supposed to be inventive. INVENT, DAMN YOU!!

The world needs TV shows that DEVELOP solutions to the problems that humans are causing, not stupify the people into destroying the world. Not encouraging them to breed more environmentally harmful humans.

Saving the environment and the remaning species diversity of the planet is now your mindset. Nothing is more important than saving them. The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels.

The humans? The planet does not need humans.

You MUST KNOW the human population is behind all the pollution and problems in the world, and YET you encourage the exact opposite instead of discouraging human growth and procreation. Surely you MUST ALREADY KNOW this!

I want Discovery Communications to broadcast on their channels to the world their new program lineup and I want proof they are doing so. I want the new shows started by asking the public for inventive solution ideas to save the planet and the remaining wildlife on it.

These are the demands and sayings of Lee.

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